I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
