My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize