Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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