she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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