My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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