Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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