She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
