My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
