This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
