Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
