we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
