There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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