Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
