I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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