I wish I only lived at night.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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