I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
