Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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