We're like a lot better than the average bears
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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