listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
