just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
