I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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