he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
