I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
