It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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