Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
