You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
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