dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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