I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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