The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
