fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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