what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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