this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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