At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
