My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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