Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
