so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
