If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
