they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
