i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
