Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
