i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
