i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I don't deserve a penis
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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