So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
