Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize