It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
