so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
