I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
