The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize