Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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