Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
