Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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