you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
MIDGETS
????
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
