The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
