everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
