Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I believe in your delicious
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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