i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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