I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Randomize
