P.S. I can't hear my feet
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
