im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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