finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Please don't give away my fajitas
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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