i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
