1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
