So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
